Good evening friends...
There is not much to report today as we are still trying to get to know one another and are working on being comfortable. One thing Ray told me is that he wants to grow up and learn how to do every day things. Em is going to ask if her employer is looking for busboys. Ray is bored and thinks we are lame. I am hoping that if he begins to earn money, that will change.
We played Scrabble and grilled out last night, both of which Ray had never done before. I need lists of life skills to teach! Please storm the comments...
In the extended layoff saga...I finally received my actual pink slip yesterday with all of the information about final checks and such. There is so much to think about (the hearing on Tuesday), that I just want to sob.
My brain is scrambled but I wanted to let you know that I haven't forgotten about you. If I miss a post here and there, please forgive me.
Love and hugs,
Rita
What is he interested in? Where is he with his education? What skills/knowledge does he have that he could use to contribute to your household that would help you as well as give him positive affirmation? I am just brainstorming as I am not sure exactly where I would start. Some of what you are currently experiencing could be used to teach him: money management, job hunting, applying for grants, higher education, running a household, basic cooking, and housekeeping. Being accountable to a family unit may be new and feel restrictive at first, but hopefully he will experience the positive benefits such as love, support, encouragement, and companionship and be willing to join! Prayers.
ReplyDeleteWow, you have a plate full. I wish there was some way I could help you. Ray is probably overwhelmed in a family atmosphere. Just love him. Kids can feel sincere love.
ReplyDeleteI had a foreign exchange student sent down from a university because he was a problem. He was Japanese and very tall! He smoked refused to go to class, he needed to learn to speak English. His parents were beside themselves as he had been kicked out of several programs. So they decided a home stay was better. The first morning he was here he did not get up for class. The second morning I went into his room and told him we had never had a student that lived with us that did not make the Dean's list and he could get out of bed and go to school or I would get a new student. I think he was in a state of shock. Here is this little American woman yelling at him. When he got home I asked for his home work. I made him sit down and we did it together. He loved comic books. So I found a source of Japanese comic books in English. He would read these. He liked the X-files so we rented all we could and put a system in his room. He was not flunking but not a stellar student. We got a phone call in the middle of the night that his grandfather had died. I found him sitting on the front porch smoking early the next morning. I went outside and sat by him. I asked him if he was sad. He said yes. He missed his home, and he missed his grandfather. They had been fishing buddies. He told me about his older brother who was a genius and had a Doctorate in Physics by the time he was 21. He would never measure up and never see his grandfather again. They were going to hold the funeral until he could return at the end of the term. I asked about the Shintu funeral rites and he told me he would write on a red piece of paper something his grandfather could bless him with and then the papers would be burned. As the ash went to heaven his grandfather's spirit would take those wants to heaven. I asked him what he would ask for. He said to see his grandfather again. I told him this would happen regardless if he asked so what else would he ask for? He said to be as good a son as his brother. I told him obviously he was as bright as his brother I just didn't think he applied himself. So if he wanted to go home and ask his grandfather's spirit for that blessing he had better get to work. He was silent. We sat for about an hour more together. He completed his term not with honors but with high marks. Two years later there was a knock at the front door and there he was. I was so excited to see him! In very good English he presented me with a gift and a letter from his mother and father. He was just visiting the area and would be attending Berkly in the fall. He had been accepted into a masters program in physics. His parents wanted to know what I had done to their son to change him. I had done nothing, he had done it all. But I had loved him unconditionally, made him accountable, and listened to him in a time of real need. That is all you can do. James has a Phd. now is married and works in Washington D.C. You will do well with Ray if he wants your help. If he doesn't love him anyway.
I love what Out My Window said!! Just love him with all you have!! It must be very overwhelming for him right now. Give him time, he'll come around. You have too many people praying for you, for him, and for the situation for it not to work out!! =) You have with your children, what every child wants, needs, and craves...a stable home life, respect for each other, a sense of family, and above all else...unconditional love!! Just make sure you have the same expectations from Ray as you do your own children as far as responsibilities & accountability is concerned. And best of luck...you're all in my thoughts & prayers!! (((HUGS)))
ReplyDelete~ Angie
What a beautiful story Kim! I hope your daughters realize how lucky they are. Ray plays guitar and writes but he is almost two years behind in school. Not for lack of ability, its just been hard for him to focus and he has no one to hold him accountable besides his probation officer. He has said that family stuff is "icky" and he has no interest in it. He often says things to shock and has no filters. I am holding my breath until Tuesday and can't focus on anything else. Thank-you for your love and prayers.
ReplyDeleteRay is testing you. "Icky" means I'm afraid to lose another family. I agree with everyone else- just love him and treat him as you would your own. Good luck, Rita. You've got all the tools you need right inside you.
ReplyDeleteJust remember, "self-esteem" does not grow from being told how great you are (though "I love you" cannot be said enough!) but from becoming competent (not the same as "expert") at something. Teach him to dig a hole in the garden and plant something, to cook scrambled eggs or even better a cheese omelet! To run the vacuum or do a load of laundry or clean a bathroom (!). These were all skills our kids, boys included, mastered in their teens. Play games, go places, do regular family stuff (he SO needs that!)...love him!
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